How to Write the Great American Novel

No. Seriously. How DO you Write the Great American Novel? Do you start with "Once upon a time..." and end with "...happily ever after"? Not unless you want Disney to sue your ass. Kidding. But I actually want to have something published someday so that strategy probably isn't my best.

Do you start at the beginning and end at the end? What if you get stuck in the middle? What if you never get to the end? What if you get to the end and realize that you're writing about something entirely off topic than what you intended in the beginning and now nothing makes sense? Breathe.

Is there a "How to Write the Great American Novel for Dummies?" I Googled it. There is. It's actually called "Writing a Novel and Getting Published for Dummies". Don't judge me. I think I'm going to read it.

If you asked my mom, who is a 6th grade language arts teacher, she would tell you that it's as simple as having a beginning, a middle and an end. "You have to do a plot outline. I make all my 6th graders do that." Hmmmmmmm. It's my Mom. I'm predispositioned to tune that advice out however sound it may be.

If you asked Dan Brown he would tell you it's as easy as having a winning formula. If you've read more than one of his books you'd know what I meant. They're all the same. Generic protagonist, maniacal stereotype of an antagonist and horrific foreshadowing including phrases like "Little did he know...". Come ON Dan Brown! "LITTLE DID HE KNOW..."???

If I EVER write anything as heinous as "Little did he know..." you all have my permission to publicly ridicule me until I beg for mercy. Except now I'm paranoid. Is "beg for mercy" a cliche? I did use a cliche yesterday. Bad bad and I knew it and my little sister, who is a real writer, pointed it out to me and she was right. I could have taken a few minutes to come up with something more original than "heart in my hand"... but I digress.

I've heard that the best writers write about their own personal experiences. That sounds like good advice except that my favorite authors definitely were not writing their memoirs. I mean even though Tolkien may have had hairy feet, I'm pretty sure he never lived in the Shire and I know for sure that T.H. White never turned a young boy into a fish in order to teach him that knowledge is power. So, where does that leave me?

No idea. If anyone has some good advice I'm all ears. Ugh. Cliche. "Hello. Amazon? Please send me one copy of "Writing a Novel... For Dummies" STAT.